When I was younger, I always had certain expectations of people... I would place these expectations on my friends, boyfriends, co-workers, and bosses. Looking back, sometimes these were placed on them unfairly, as I wasn't very good at communicating with those around me. And sadly, no matter what, no one ever met my expectations and I would end up angry and upset.
I've always had a pretty tough, confident exterior. As a child I excelled easily at things I put my mind to, and my parents always encouraged and uplifted me, making me feel pretty self-reliant. I never wanted to "impose" on anyone or ask for help as I felt this would make me vulnerable and I would then "owe" them for any kindness or help shown to me.
As I excelled at tasks (mostly on my own), especially at work, it was hard for me to understand why people weren't as driven as me... Actually it was really hard for me to understand people that weren't like me: task-oriented, rather than relationship oriented. And this put a lot of stress on my relationships because I was so hard on myself, and on others. In my mind, as incorrect thinking as it was, I just wanted to help people "be better", thinking my way was always better for them. My expectations for others were so high. You can just imagine how far that got me!
It was in my early 30's that I realized that I didn't have any deep, lasting relationships with anyone other than my family. If you can relate at all, there is hope! I'm 36 today, and can tell you that I've never felt more fulfilled in my relationships as I do today. It took a lot of prayer, and God had to do a lot of work inside of me.
With the help of the Holy Spirit, God changed me from the inside out. I read somewhere that no amount of self-help books, podcasts, or seminars can create true, lasting change, but only the inner working of the Holy Spirit in you. I realized that I needed to release my expectations of others, love my friends unconditionally, and allow them to give me whatever friendship they wanted to give me, no strings attached.
Through bible study and prayer, I realized what a prone to offense, judgemental, critical, egotistical, and selfish person I could be. I was the kind of person that always wanted to have the last word in, always wanted to be the one people were listening to, always wanted to be the important one. What a sad way to live. No wonder it was hard for me to have lastig relationships!
A couple of things that helped me become a better friend:
1. Listen more, speak less.
2. Show your friends appreciation!
3. Figure out their love language. Mine is Acts of Service. The other 4 are: Words of affirmation, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. So although I may show my friends love and appreciation by doing something for them, if their love language is Gifts, they may feel most special if I bring them a box of cookies, or a cute bracelet I see that reminds me of them.
4. Share meals together!
5. Don't be jealous of their other relationships... Encourage them!
6. Expect from them, only what they are willing to give.
6. Expect from them, only what they are willing to give.
I've shifted my expectations of others onto God. When someone lets me down (which they always will... people are human and I know I let people down all the time), I remind myself that there was only one perfect person... Jesus. I remind myself that if whatever offense won't matter in 5 years, then I just need to let it go. And I remind myself that my hope and trust is perfect in God, not in men.
I also remind myself daily that, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on me, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18). Reminding myself of this helps me ward off jealousy, arguments, strife, and offense. It helps me see things from others' perspective. It reminds me that I can choose my actions, to live peacefully with others. I still mess up, but discovering this truth has helped me make friends, and most importantly, keep friends.
Love, C.
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